Schedule an appointment

Is Anyone Else Alarmed by the Decline of Civility?

by | Mar 7, 2025 | Advice for Leaders, Facilitating Learning, Goal Setting Conversation, Growth and Development, Mentoring Communication, Mentoring Questions, Mentoring Relationships, Supporting Mentors and Mentees

Civility is disappearing. Public meetings turn into shouting matches. Social media feeds overflow with personal attacks. Customers berate service workers. Even in workplaces, people talk past each other instead of to each other.

And it’s not just about rudeness. It’s how quickly conversations escalate, how little space there is for listening, and how disagreement turns into hostility. Civility isn’t about being well-behaved or avoiding conflict. It’s about how we engage—even when challenging norms or shaking things up.

Real change has never come from people simply being “nice.” It has come from people speaking up and staying in relationship with one another. Civility allows us to break barriers without breaking connections.

Civility Creates Community and Strengthens Peer Networks

When incivility takes over, people disengage, avoid tough conversations, or retreat into echo chambers. Over time, this fuels loneliness and isolation.

On the other hand, civility builds strong teams, workplaces, and neighborhoods. It makes people feel heard, valued, and more willing to participate.

Peer networks—professional, academic, or social—depend on civility. A thriving workplace or grassroots movement requires an atmosphere where people feel safe to share ideas. Civility paves the way for individuals to connect and form a true community.

Civility and Diplomacy: Learning From One Another

Civility and diplomacy go hand in hand. Diplomacy isn’t just for world leaders—it’s a skill we all use in daily life. Whether negotiating at work, leading diverse teams, or collaborating across cultures, diplomacy requires listening, thoughtful communication, and relationship-building—all hallmarks of civility.

Diplomacy isn’t about avoiding conflict; it’s about navigating it productively. The best diplomats don’t just argue their points—they learn from others. Civility enables that kind of meaningful dialogue.
When civility is abandoned—whether in politics, business, or everyday interactions—trust erodes, relationships break down, and opportunities for cooperation are lost.

Where Civility Has Gone Off the Rails

We see examples of incivility daily:

  • Breakdowns in Diplomacy: Dismissiveness and hostility in high-stakes negotiations weaken global cooperation and stall progress.
  • Social Media’s Callout Culture: What was meant to connect us often turns into a space where a single misstep—sometimes even a misunderstood comment—leads to public backlash.
  • Toxic Workplace Cultures: When people don’t feel respected, collaboration and innovation suffer, and disengagement rises.

Where Civility Has Made a Difference

Despite the challenges, civility still drives meaningful change. It is evident in processes like Open Space Technology (OST) and Restorative Justice (RJ), which create environments where people can engage in honest, respectful dialogue and tackle big issues through a shared sense of ownership and problem-solving. It also shows up in these contexts:

  • Programs That Foster Dialogue Across Divides: Organizations like Tomorrow’s Women, which brings together young Israeli and Palestinian women, and The Sustained Dialogue Institute, which fosters conversations in divided communities, show that structured, civil dialogue can bridge deep divides.
  • Cross-Industry Collaboration in Business: Successful multinational companies prioritize civility-driven negotiation, strengthening partnerships and decision-making.
  • Diplomatic Success: The Colombia Peace Agreement – In 2016, the Colombian government and FARC rebels ended five decades of conflict through civil negotiations, trust-building, and diplomacy. Instead of relying on force, leaders engaged in dialogue, proving that even deep divisions can be healed through civility.

Civility Starts with Small Choices

We can draw on these successes and make a difference in our workplaces and our relationships.

Civility isn’t about avoiding hard conversations. It’s about ensuring they remain productive. And while large-scale change matters, the real shift starts at the micro level—in everyday conversations, workplaces, and interactions.

So before sending that dismissive email, interrupting a colleague, or shutting down a different perspective, let’s take a beat. A single moment of civility—a pause, a question, an act of listening—can change the tone of a conversation and create space for connection.

Civility isn’t about pretending we all agree—it’s about ensuring we don’t lose each other in the process.

Where have you seen civility make a difference in your workplace, team, or community? 

Civility

The Quality of Your Questions

by | May 30, 2024 | Advice for Leaders, Facilitating Learning, Goal Setting Conversation, Growth and Development, Making Mentoring Work For You, Mentoring Communication, Mentoring Questions, Mentoring Relationships, Supporting Mentors and Mentees

The best mentor-mentee relationships thrive on curiosity and powerful questions. Mentors should resist the urge to “fix” problems and avoid prescribing specific actions. Mentees should focus less on being who they think their mentor wants and more on approaching interactions with a willingness to learn, grow, and discover how to think.

I am always seeking great questions to facilitate these interactions. Recently, I discovered three excellent questions while listening to the audiobook Clear Thinking* by Shane Parrish. Parrish suggests that when seeking advice, your goal should be to understand how the other person thinks, not just what they think. Although his book is not specifically about mentoring, the questions he proposes can be highly beneficial for both mentees and mentors.

Questions Mentees can ask their Mentors
Mentees might ask….

1. What variables would you consider if you were in my shoes?
How do these variables relate to one another?

2. What do you know about this problem that I don’t?
What can you see based on your experience that someone without it cannot?
What do you know that most people don’t?

3. What would your process be for making this decision if you were in my shoes?

Questions Mentors can ask their Mentees
These questions are also valuable for mentors. Instead of offering solutions or suggestions, mentors can prompt their mentees to reflect by asking:

1. What variables in this decision are important to you?
Who else or what else does this decision impact?

2. What are you most worried about in making this decision?
What possibility excites you the most?

3. What have you tried so far?
What do you think is the best process for this decision?

These questions encourage reflection and empower mentees to solve both the current problem they are facing and future problems. They also enable mentees to develop authentic solutions that fit their unique needs, values, and learning styles.

What questions have you used to encourage clear thinking in your mentoring relationships?

*Clear Thinking by Shane Parrish: (Farnam Street, 2023, ISBN: 0593086112)

The quality of your questions
Your Mentoring Year Tip #9: Maintaining Accountability

Your Mentoring Year Tip #9: Maintaining Accountability

by | Dec 5, 2017 | Advice for Leaders, Facilitating Learning, Goal Setting Conversation, Growth and Development, Making Mentoring Work For You, Mentoring Communication, Mentoring Relationships, Mentoring Training, Supporting Mentors and Mentees

Maintaining accountability in a mentoring relationship is critical for success. But it’s not one-sided. Accountability must be mutual. “Wait, what?” you might be thinking. “Accountability is hard enough, but mutual accountability?”

Yes! Making sure both mentors and mentees are accountable keeps mentoring relationships moving and on track thanks to regular care and attention. Regular monitoring of your relationship guarantees that even when the relationship seems to be going well, you can still promote mutual accountability and, therefore, a healthy relationship.

How do you get started? Use the following conversation tips to provide a framework that drives mutual accountability — and helps maintain it.

  1. Check in at the beginning of your meeting. Regularly ask, “How is it going?” Probe your mentee’s response, and take it to a deeper level.

  2. Share your observations about how things are going and what concerns you have about the learning process. For example, “I’ve noticed that our discussions are very general and theoretical. Are you finding them helpful?”

  3. Take a step back before you go forward. For example, “Let’s take a look at how we’re doing. What’s particularly helpful to you in your learning? What has been least helpful? What do you think is going well? What do we need to improve? What kind of additional assistance do you need?”

  4. Use your mentee’s goals as benchmarks for measuring the progress and achievement of learning goals. Refer to them frequently. Evaluating progress regularly maintains momentum, keeps learning goals at the forefront of the relationship and holds partners mutually accountable for achieving them.

Your Mentoring Year Tip #3: Establishing Ground Rules

Your Mentoring Year Tip #3: Establishing Ground Rules

by | Jun 5, 2017 | Facilitating Learning, Growth and Development, Making Mentoring Work For You, Mentoring Communication, Mentoring Questions, Mentoring Relationships, Supporting Mentors and Mentees

Discussing ground rules is one of the most important conversations you will ever have with your mentoring partner. Ground rules not only manage expectations in your mentoring relationship, but they also lay the foundation for building and strengthening your relationship, allowing you to focus on learning. Rather than restrict the relationship, they encourage and support accountability. Without them, you may end up spending more time managing the relationship than actually learning from your mentor. Here are some strategies for setting ground rules in place:

  1. Focus on:
    • How you will go about allocating and managing your mentoring time
    • How you want to give and receive feedback
    • Your mutual role expectations
    • How and when you will connect and communicate with each other
    • How you will address stumbling blocks should they occur
    • What steps you will follow if you need to prematurely end the relationship for any reason
  2. As you discuss your ground rules, keep in mind that they should not restrict your relationship. Their purpose is to encourage and support accountability.
  3. Once you and your mentoring partner have decided on ground rules, be sure to schedule some checkpoints to determine whether the ground rules are working for you or simply providing unnecessary obstacles.